I want to talk about some things I’ve had on my mind, I want to share my thoughts.
This last few months have been insane for me. For good, and bad reasons. I have felt myself going farther and higher than I ever have before. I have also felt myself slipping, more than ever. It’s like for every positive step, there has been a negative one too. On the bright side, in the last two months I have seen my work printed in magazines, zines and featured on new websites. That is a huge achievement for me. I’ve also seen my YouTube channel grow bigger than I ever thought it would, not to mention going to an insanely fancy event as a legitimate journalist and meeting some great people, which was a dream come true.
If you had asked me where I thought I’d be a few months ago, I would have probably said something really bitter and jaded. I had lost faith in myself as a writer, a creator and as a person. I had also been battling crippling anxiety, to the point where I couldn’t leave the house alone. Not to mention a flurry of other health issues. These experiences I have had over the last few months have changed that. I believe in myself again, because I have seen what I can do when I am given the right opportunity. I know there’s that whole thing about “motivating yourself and finding opportunity” but for me, unfortunately, sometimes I need that stuff to be handed to me before I can really push myself to achieve something. It’s one of my least favourite things about myself and something I plan on working on.
For all these great things, there has been some not so great things. Mainly in the way of my health. I don’t like to talk about my health in a public forum, mental or physical, so some of you may not know that I have Type 1 Diabetes. It haunts me, almost daily. It’s ugly and it’s defiant and it’s scary as fuck. For me in particular, I struggle with it. I struggle with high blood sugar and low blood sugar. I feel like 90% of my days are spent fighting, fighting for my life, my sanity and fighting just to be able to do normal things. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t control any of this stuff, and even though I’m doing my best, at the end of the day something fundamental has gone wrong in my body and that isn’t without costs.
Out of all the things I have going on right now, I feel like time is the biggest problem. How much time do I have to achieve the things I want to achieve? How much time have I got to meet that deadline, as well as meet the needs for my health. The truth is, no body gives a fuck about me, my health or anything other than the work I produce for them. That’s a harrowing realization and one that as a creator, hinders my ability to, well, create. I’m not saying any of this to get sympathy, or even an apology. I’m saying this because I want to be honest. Honest with myself, honest with everyone.
At some point I have to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough. I’m a fairly passive guy, but even I have my limits. I’m not special, in any way, so I don’t expect to be treated as such. I know that I need to work hard to make things work. I also know that I need to take my health seriously, which sometimes has an effect on just how hard I can work. So with that in mind, I don’t know if I am a journalist, or if I can be. I’m worn down, weathered and fed up. That’s not a great place to be when starting out as anything. I’ve thought a lot about this stuff lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be any one thing. I think I will always have some level of upheaval holding me back, but that’s ok. It’s out of my control and nothing to be ashamed of, so I’m not.
I’ve noticed a lot lately that there is just so much expected of us. As creatives, employees, and as people. We all are made to feel like shit because that one piece of the puzzle isn’t quite lining up. Whether it’s money, relationships, careers or health. Everyone has something that they feel isn’t up to par and it weighs on us constantly. I’m calling bullshit though. If you can get up in the morning and manage to make it through the day, I think you deserve all the respect in the world, because you’re already doing better than me. If you can say “I’ll do better than I did yesterday” and actually do so, then you are on the right track. Don’t look around and expect validation, or approval, because you simply won’t get it. Look at the people you care about and who care about you, those are the only people whose opinion you need to get through the day.
I recently was told by someone who I care about a lot that I am lazy and unreliable. This person has been a huge influence on me, in so many ways. I took it pretty hard, obviously. But then I realized if that is what they think of me, then they don’t know me at all, and I don’t know them as well as I thought I did. I’m a lot of things, but not any of those. Normally, that kind of feedback would floor me, make me go back into my hermit shell of safety, with my Netflix and Pokemon. I would write some bitter article and say how broken the world is because of one person’s opinion. But I realized that perception is important here.
I would rather see myself for what I know I am, than what other people think I am. I’ve achieved a lot in such a short amount of time. My resume is the best it has ever been and I’m feeling more confident than ever. I have written for TopGear, Mighty Car Mods, Zen Garage, my own blog, Hyper Magazine, PC Powerplay, PC & Tech Authority, attended events, been recognized in the street, started my own skate shop, been given an 86, video games and tech for free to review and most importantly, I’ve done all of that without any help. I set those goals and found a way to make them happen. Without formal training, with barely a cent to my name and so many things working against me. I’ve climbed that fucking mountain as best I can, with all things considered, and not a single person can ever take that from me. I think that I constantly forget that, and I let that doubt stop me from trying new things. It’s only when I reflect on what I’ve done that I realize I’ve got far too much left to do to give up now.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t be so hard on yourselves. It’s easy to forget just how far we’ve come, especially after so much time. I don’t know a single person who I would say is “happy” with every part of their lives. Something is always missing, we all wear those thoughts of doubt and confusion. But if I can do all that in less than 4 years, then what’s actually stopping you?