Lately I have been finding myself asking “is that what a mature adult would do?”. I suppose the upside to that is that I am growing up and trying to make decisions that would benefit my future, unlike a few years ago where I would literally drop $150 on stuffed angry birds toys. However, there is also a downside. I have lost my blind ambition, the little voice in my head that when I’m standing on the edge of a proverbial cliff which says to me “you’ll be right, what could possibly go wrong?”.
The problem lies in the fact that I live in a very conservative area. The people here don’t really splash out on creative dreams, they’d rather work a boring job for 20 years to buy a nice house. I draw inspiration from my surroundings. When I am around someone who is an excellent drawer, I find myself doodling on pages. When I hear an amazing song with really catchy synth, I find myself whipping out my dusty keyboard and mashing the keys. It’s hard for me to see bankers, lawyers, doctors, real estate agents and dentists around me and still cling to my hopes and dreams. Dreams that every time I tell someone “I want to be a writer/journalist/blogger/film maker/YouTuber/video game reviewer/professional race car driver” they roll their eyes and grit their teeth.
That’s why I’ve been asking myself, what is maturity? Is it taking a shitty job just to have an income? Is it studying something for 3 years only to realize you don’t care the slightest bit about it? Is it moving out of home? Is it putting silly dreams of being a racing driver aside to start investing? I don’t even know anymore. I have been working on my YouTube project for so long but every time I go to make a video I think to myself “that’s not going to make you any money” and then I don’t do it. I just sit there and contemplate whether everything I’ve done, every unpaid article I have written, every hour I’ve spent researching cars, video games, cameras and writing has all been a waste. Has it? Will I find myself in a few years being 30 years old working at the drive through at Maccas thinking I shouldn’t have bothered? I don’t know what maturity is but surely it’s not that. I’ll be incredibly disappointed if that’s all there is to life.
I hate that I have been thinking like that. I have been hung up on this silly idea that Happy Healthy Harold and my mum planted in my brain when I was in primary school, “you can be whatever you want, just choose something you love and stick with it”. Of course I was the only one to take it seriously while everyone else goes off and becomes bankers. Is it selfish, immature and stupid to want to do something remotely enjoyable with your life? Is happiness the price you pay in order to be able to pay for things? I’m legitimately asking these questions and if you know the answer please don’t keep it to yourself.
I think I owe it to myself to at least try and make it work, it’s just incredibly difficult when everyone around you has steady jobs, houses, kids, income or even just a plan that seems achievable.
Maybe that is maturity…